It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
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obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
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I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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