please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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