i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My dad just said "fuck circus"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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