# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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