This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
