I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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