Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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