my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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