Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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