i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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