You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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