Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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