Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Found your dick twin last night
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
