Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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