im about as happy as oj after his trial
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You pole danced in your parka.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
