I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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