Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Someone shattered a urinal.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Randomize
