Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
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Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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