I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
