Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
