I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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