FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
