just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
