Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
