just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
