the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
