Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
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he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
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yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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