Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
