I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize