i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
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Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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