I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
