Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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