bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
