Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
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She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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