She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They have beer where we have blood.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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