I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
