just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
