DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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