farters have to be the big spoon...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
