im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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