He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
