Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
