I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
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