I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
