I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
