Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
