so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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