I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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