Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
