an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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