What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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