the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize