clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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