the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
