Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
