Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
