I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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