so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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